A New Beginning, “Firsts”

Part 3

I have tried to separate my initial exchange into departure, arrival, and firsts.  I often find myself struggling to place events in their proper place.  They frequently blend from one to the other and have application in all three because of the cycle. My new beginning, the “Firsts” stage, is dedicated to the bigger events rather than the individual specific differences that shocked me on arrival.   It is dedicated to the new level of understanding that I gain each day and those major events that represent that understanding.  The first hugs from my Brazilian host family, the first trip to go shopping, the first day at school, and my first disagreement over national pride.  These are all big things that have had a deep impact. In this post I will describe becoming a part of a new family, discuss the beginning of my ability to see life as it really is, disguised behind everyday life, and describe some stumbling blocks in the search for truth.  

As a child I became a member of my natural family.  I cannot remember all the specific struggles and emotions that I encountered, but I remember enough to know that growing up and becoming aware of family identity is not automatic or easy. Parents carry the burden of providing the framework for the family while children are often less than enthusiastic.  Early in life it is hard not to be self centered, concerned only with personal wants and desire.  The concept of a family’s need or advantage is something that requires experience to understand.  Being mature enough now to understand the blessing of family is my foundation.  Being mature enough now to see it and understand it as it happens is a fantastic opportunity.  There are still struggles and uncertainty.  There is opportunity for failure, but I am a willing, enthusiastic, participant.  The common goal of becoming a family can be considered, discussed, and worked toward.  My success gives me confidence, validates my beliefs, and strengthens my resolve that I can effectively plan a way give back to my community and the world in a serious way.

Meeting my host parents and sisters on August 4, 2013 was a wonderful event.  The anticipation that had built up, the concern that I might not be accepted, the fear that the match would not work; did not all melt away with those first hugs.  It was exciting and I felt relief of finally arriving, but uncomfortableand I had a nagging question of whether we were right for each other.  The first hugs were kind of like the gun shot for a race that you prepared all year to run.  It is not the proper time to sit down, relax, and enjoy.  It is time for the real effort.  It is the time to put away personal gain and strive for the group success.  Communication was difficult, but on a basic level we bonded.  I was exhausted, embarrassed, and homesick.  That first night was hilarious.  I woke my sister up because I kept talking in my sleep, saying words in Portuguese.  Of course it made no sense;just random Portuguese phrases, like “boa noite”, “bom dia”, “oque isto”, etc.  My host family spared no effort making me feel welcome.  I committed myself to meeting their open arms with an open heart and in a short time that seemed to take forever we became a family. An exchange student should not expect this type of bonding to happen overnight.  Any strangers can meet and through common courtesy learn to work and live together.  But a family is a foundation, and that foundation requires stronger stuff than courtesy.  And children should not abuse that foundation with a lack of courtesy.  The experiences I have described in previous post continue to be amazing, new, and exciting.  I continue to struggle with juggling the "gathering of information" and understanding the information that I have gathered.  But this part, the part of becoming a member of a new family is where I get my energy.  Even if I struggle to learn and leave a good impression in school, at a party, or while attending any function that takes me out of the house.  I always know I can come home to my family, be accepted, and have my questions answered patiently.  I want to see them, spend time with them, and learn from them.  At the end of the day, when I go back to my host parent’s house, I do not feel like a stranger, or a visitor.  I feel comfortable, I feel like I am recharging for the next day, I feel like I am home.  I hope one day I will be able to express to them how much I love them and am thankful for all they have given me. The broader understanding I have gained as I went through the process of becoming a member of this family, is how special my natural family has been.  I can see how mistakes I made were obvious.  How sibling rivalry is such a waste.  I can see clearly how a parents love and experience are teenagers’ best resource.

After living three weeks in Brazil and going to school without language proficiency; I wrote down the formula to survive your exchange, make it a good one, and can be applied to any difficult area in your life.  Success equals; determination, positivity, openness, and a clear mind.  But the key ingredient or constant in the equation is sleep.  Being determined to pay attention in a class where you understand almost nothing, to keep straining to learn when it’s all too easy to zone out.  Being positive even when you feel like nothing is going the way you want, smile because the show must go on.  Remember you are always representing your country.  Being open to new things and people; don’t shut things out because the whole world could pass by you and you would never realize what you missed.  Being of a clear mind; don’t get all worried over little things, concentrate but what can’t be helped just can’t be helped, mistakes will be made, most of the time, the best you can do is learn from them.  Sleeping, especially in the “first” stages, is very important; it makes all of those listed above much easier to accomplish.  The equation is four parts character.  I have studied leadership for some time and can describe the skills a leader needs in depth.  However, this experience has taught me that those skills need a foundation.  Anyone can learn and practice the skills of a leader.  Written and verbal communication, accountability, responsibility, etc are all important.  But, the essence of leadership is being able to employ those skills in an environment of stress where we would naturally rather hide than stand up front.  That foundation is character.  It is the core that keeps us on track.  It also can be learned and studied by anyone.  But it requires a conscious recognition and a dedicated decision to start.  It is not like a skill that you use when you need it, it is the part of you that saves you when you do not know what to do. 

Discovering life hidden behind every day may have been expected in some intellectual way, but actually finding it was exciting.  During the first month I had the opportunity to experience the departure of a student, from the outside.  Like the scenes in Harry Potter when Harry is reliving someone’s memories, you see everything, you know all of the answers, you understand, but you cannot touch.  Honestly, it was the most surreal thing for me. The event was happening to someone else, but my memories were fresh in my mind of my own departure.  I could see the anxiousness to leave in the students actions. I could see fear in the mother’s.  The sibling was happy, claiming to not be concerned about the year of separation.  The companion’s somberness outshined all other expressions, I felt like I was at a funeral.  The dad and his actions reminded me so much of my own dad.  Trying to make sure everything was checked off the list, staying busy, trying to keep from thinking about the inevitable.  The best friends wanted the best experience possible, pure excitement. Every experience is different, but it is the same. The cycle repeats. We can learn so much about ourselves and our experiences from others.  This was a significant event for me.  It was not happening to me.  I had only known the student and family for a very short time.  But it was a real important first.  The first time I knew what each person was feeling.  I knew what was about to happen.  And I knew the tough choices were going to pay off despite the pain.  At some point we all say goodbye and board that plane.  The only thing you can really do is have faith.  Being able to experience this understanding of an event has given me a valuable to tool or perspective to view my own futureexperiences through during the experience rather than long after the event.  I can understand how the experience of others that are involved in the event affect my own experience.  It is hard to describe, but it has a similar effect that planning, or making a conscious decision has on an event.  It gives you the impression of hind sight before and during the event.  For anyone who has ever made a mistake and wished you could avoid future mistakes; you can understand my joy in this new revelation.

My final major first was running head on into prejudice.  I have experienced my share of petty jealousy.  I do not expect every individual I meet to immediately love me.  But here in the middle of everything else I did not expect to have my home nation scourged by others that are also conscious of the need for cultural awareness.  I admit I did not handle the situation well.  It took me several days to really appreciate all the significant parts of the incident.  We are all products of our environment.  We believe what we are taught.  There are so many things in life to absorb; we naturally adopt some ideas without question.  Politics is one area that I just accepted and never gave it the level of importance it deserves.  It can certainly leave misconceptions in the minds of people on both sides of an argument over a single country.  I left home knowing that my experience would transform knowledge that I already knew into understanding.  This is my biggest first; my first real understanding of the value of science education.  No matter how I looked at this situation I was not satisfied with the answer.  The problem was always me and what I knew that was in the way.  But when the emotion subsided and I remembered to apply scientific methods to the problem; I saw the solution.  Just like a science project; formulate hypothesis, research, test, and find the truth.  There is no need for emotion; the hypothesis is either true or false.  If false then the experiment continues with a new hypothesis.  Exchange is about ambassadorship, but because of my surprise I missed an opportunity to search, poke, and prod like a good explorer to uncover the facts.  By applying the skills of science to my ambassadorship, I believe I would have found more similarities between myself and the other student than differences.  Is it not true that when we hear a politician saying something totally different from one day to the next, we shrug our shoulders (for those that have read AynRand; maybe this is why she named her best seller, Atlas Shrugged).  Personally, my world consists of the present, near future, and the past that is discussed around my family’s kitchen table.  I have heard my parents and grandparents memories; not much more than 70 years.  In other parts of the world the past thousand years is as relevant as yesterday.  As an AFS student, I have friends from many countries here in Brazil.  They all remember where they were on 9-11-2001.  We were five years old.  It was a major event in the U.S. but I did not realize how much it also affected other countries.  Because current events are an important subject for any interview, I regularly check the news for local, national, and world headlines.  Before, those headlines were just information, now I see the effect they have on beliefs.  Now I understand the importance of testing that information for truth and being prepared for others who do not. Truth itself is a difficult concept and it gets tangled in beliefs too easily.  Without a genuine approach to a subject, truth becomes subservient to a belief rather than a belief being based on truth.  I can even see now how science can be used to disguise truth in order to promote a belief.  Only the wide spread study and understanding of science will enable a population to experiment for themselves; to prove the conclusion of a claimed result.  My job is not to defend my beliefs or accept someone else’s.  My job as an ambassador is to help peel back the layers of a belief, in a scientific way, find the truth, and share as much as I can.

Preparation for Exchange

Concluded

I hope you have all enjoyed catching up on some of the things I have experienced on my exchange.  My purpose was to document, and also to share lessons learned.  Those that are considering exchange, I hope find some helpful hints in this series of “lasts”, “arrival”, and “firsts”.  My friends and family, I hope can join me in celebrating the wonderful cycle of life.  Understanding that “sadness”, “shock”, and “joy” can be found in every event, every experience, and every situation will help us to get through the hard stuff in order to get to the good stuff.  If all three are not obvious, check your perspective and look harder.  There is always some sacrifice, nothing is free.  Anything that is worth doing is worth examining close enough to find the new spark that can resemble shock.  And joy in new beginnings is just obvious.  Once again, as you prepare to travel; be careful of developing expectations.  Concentrate on the larger expectations of what you can understand rather than what you can do.  Commit to the tasks you can control and accept the things you cannot control.  Do not accept false restrictions on life.  Do not accept a slice of the limited pie of life.  There is an unlimited conveyor belt of pies of life just waiting to be sampled and each is delicious.